Jennifer Blakeney introduced our guest speaker, Pam Boyd. She got to know Pam a few years ago while working together on a project with the Women’s Business Enterprise. Pam started her management career as a finger-pointing, excuse-making, and pathologically negative middle manager. After a smart leader set her straight, Pam was able to succeed in her career. Since then, she has presented workshops and seminars and consulted in all 50 states and many foreign countries. Pam’s goal is to help you put an end to unnecessary drama in your life, at work and at home.
Pam shared that she began working for El Chico’s as a manager and got stuck for 7 years. She developed a chip on her shoulder and made people miserable around her. She had a low turnover rate and the highest customer ratings. Pam thought she should receive a Manager of the Year award, and the new car that came with it, but found out she had a reputation in the company as “The Bitch.” Her new boss invited her to either become a part of his team and he guaranteed she would get the car next year, or she could leave. He told her she needed to take the whine out of her voice, bring solutions instead of problems, and treat everyone like they matter.
Pam challenged us to work in the right triangle. The “Drama” triangle is anxiety-based and problem-focused, where we play the roles of persecutor, victim or rescuer. The “Empowerment” triangle is passion-based and outcome-oriented, where we play the roles of creator, challenger, or coach.
“Any fool can criticize, complain, and condemn—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.” –Dale Carnegie
What do we often do when someone disappoints us? We roll our eyes, complain, avoid them, gossip, punish passively, hope they leave… Behavioral change never happens without leverage.
We can’t expect anyone to get excited about our agenda until we are excited about theirs.
We are more likely to listen to someone who:
- – Understands what we want
- – Appreciates what we do well
- – Has a plan to help us
If you want to fix someone, you need to be able to answer those questions about them.
The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that communication has occurred!
People are either people-focused (“Feelers” who fear conflict and “Talkers” who fear disapproval), or they are task-focused (“Thinkers” who fear being wrong and “Doers” who fear being taken advantage of). People don’t hear us when we open our mouths and hit their fear trigger. So, the opening phrases we use need to be different for each personality style. For “Talkers”: use the “praise sandwich”, without the “but”, as in “You’re so good with people and you deserve more credit for that.” For “Doers”: “Here’s the issue and here’s what I need from you.” For “Thinkers”: “I’ve been thinking about how we can be more accurate and efficient.” For “Feelers”: “I need your help.”
Magic phrases for tough talk:
- – Can we talk about what just happened?
- – I owe you an apology. I should have been honest with you earlier
- – Can we start over?
- – What we are currently doing is not working.
- – Ask for a wish-list. (They already have the wish-list, whether you know it or not!)
The Power of the Contingency
Avoid surprises and indigestion by having the second conversation during the first! In the initial conversation, talk about: If this doesn’t work, what is our next step?
Keep short tabs: pay as you go!